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Newsletter Volume 11 - February 13, 2002
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Judging by the volume of mail we have received, our last issue on “Children and Words” struck a responsive chord. Many of you wrote describing how you still suffer from wounds inflicted in childhood by verbally abusive parents or peers. Many of your letters were heart-rending. They strengthened our resolve to work hard to try to free American society from the scourge of hurtful words.
Words Can Heal is a grassroots movement. Help it to succeed by spreading the word among your family and friends. Forward this newsletter to all your contacts. Print it out and distribute it to your employees or coworkers. Use your imagination to think of creative ways to get more people to check out our website, read the handbook, and take the pledge.
This Valentine’s Day, why not use words to heal? Tell your loved ones what you love and appreciate about them. Encouraging words can be sweeter than candy.
Irwin Katsof
Executive Director
Words Can Heal
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Quote of the Week
"Quote of the Week: “It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.”
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Part 2: What We Can Do
Dear Folks at Words Can Heal,
In our house, hurting other people with words is forbidden, as surely as drugs and cigarettes. I was the first one to change. I’m a good person with a bad temper, and I used to yell at my children. Then I learned some simple behavior modification techniques. I made myself a chart with a box for each day. If I succeeded in not yelling for a certain period that day, I gave myself a check. I started with one hour a day, then went up to two, then three, then switched the hours to bedtime (Help!), until now my whole day is “Yelling-free,” with occasional blowups (maybe once every two weeks) where I catch myself after a couple words. I reward myself at intervals with Ben and Jerry’s New York Superfudge ice cream.
With my two children, if one of them speaks derisively to either parents or sibling, I tell them to "Play it again, Sam." They have to replay the scene, speaking nicely this time. Usually it takes two tries: The first time, they say nice words with a nasty tone. The second time, they get it right.
Ten months ago, I invited a divorced friend from another town and her two sons to spend the weekend with us. The boys had been abused by their father, and were not in good shape psychologically. But I certainly did not expect the horrible language they used with each other. Sitting around the dinner table, Brad, the 12-year-old, said to his 10-year-old brother Eddie, "You’re disgusting. I hate you. I wish you would die."
I felt like the loving atmosphere in our house was filling up with toxins and pollutants. So I offered Brad a deal. I said, "If you talk nicely to your brother for two whole weeks, I’ll buy you any prize you want, up to $50."
Now, Brad had his eye on a set of drum pads, which his mother couldn’t afford. So the deal interested him. He asked, "What if I do good for a few days, then I slip up accidentally?"
"You get one slip up a day," I told him, "and you have to apologize to Eddie for it." So Brad agreed to try.
Brad, who really wanted those drum pads, did it! He spoke nicely to his brother for two whole weeks. And his mother tells me that even after I sent him the drum pads, Brad kept talking nicely. He likes the different atmosphere in their house. Of course, he slips up sometimes, but the habit of hurtful speech is gone. And you know what’s the best outcome of that deal? Brad saw that he was strong enough to change himself. His mother tells me that he’s truly a different, better, happier person.
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Here’s what you can do:
- Teach your children, nieces, nephews, any kids you know, that words hurt more than stones, and that some wounds from words never go away.
- Read them the stories from the last newsletter or from the Words Can Heal handbook, which is now available from amazon.com.
- Follow through in stopping them when they use hurtful words, like you would if you saw them playing with a loaded gun.
- Teach your children to defend other children who are being verbally abused. Tell them that’s the way to become a real hero.
- Offer them a reward for changing their speech habits. Click here to download a chart for them to can hang up to keep track of their progress. Make the first reward big enough to jump start the process. Each successive reward can be smaller. The chart can be found at http://www.wordscanheal.org/newsletter/wordscanheal_chart.PDF
- Most important, model for them the use of positive speech. Speak to your children without name-calling, yelling, put-downs, or criticism. Seek out parenting seminars and books in order to learn tools for communicating with children without hurting their essential self-esteem.
- Don’t wait till next week or tomorrow. Begin today.
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