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Chapter 3: Treasure Chest

Okay, now we get down to business. Seeing the damage from negative speech and hurtful words is good motivation for change, but what we really need is to know how to change!

This chapter gives you tools to help you learn how to use the power of words to create extraordinary relationships. In chapter 4, you can practice these new skills, and then move on to chapter 5 for some inspiring success stories!

You have the power. By changing the words that you speak, you can change your whole life. The wonderful news is: awareness is half the battle. Knowing how powerful your words are, for good or for ill, will help you to think twice before you speak and to say what you mean to say. You will see how avoiding negative forms of speech has a positive impact on all your relationships, both personal and professional.

The future is yours! It’s all in the words that you speak!

1. Think Twice

A mother erupts: "Julie! Get in here right now! Did you color on this wall? You good-for-nothing little . . . ."

But if she thought twice, she’d take a deep breath, hand the child a wet dishtowel with which to scrub the wall, and say, "Julie, let’s clean this together, and it would be nice if you said I’m sorry."

or . . .

A shocked wife exclaims: "That’s all the money we have left? What kind of husband are you!? You stupid, horrible. . . ."

But if she thought twice, she might say, "I need some water," as she leaves the room to cool off.

or . . .

An employer shouts: "I told you to get that report in by five! What kind of an idiotic failure. . . ."

But if he thought twice, he might say instead, "Is there any way you can finish it tonight?"

It is so amazing how, in a heated moment, it seems as if our words have a power of their own. It seems as if we will burst if we don’t say what we feel like saying. The shocking news is that if we wait less than five seconds, the potency of the desire to crush somebody usually passes!

You may still be upset about the issue, and still need to discuss it, but what an awesome gift it is that if you just conquer that five-second feeling, you will save so much anguish.

Yelling at someone might get you what you want for the moment, but if you stop to plan what you are going to say, you will have a much better chance of getting what you want both now and in the future. You, and everyone around you, will be much happier.

People often speak badly of others simply because they are angry and venting is the fastest way to relieve their tension. If they managed to keep their anger in check, they would actually get a lot more support from the people around them.

As an alternative to thinking twice, simply walking away is also very effective. With our hectic lifestyles, it actually doesn’t come across as rude as it might sound. If you are feeling angry and are about to treat someone cruelly, try to think of something that you have to do right away. This also works if someone is gossiping to you, or if you can’t get out of a conversation that you feel is negative or destructive. If you mention an important phone call, a forgotten appointment, or a pot boiling away on the stove, it will seem completely normal to the other person. Even if he or she catches on that you are avoiding the conversation, maybe that’s a good lesson to communicate.

2. Give the Benefit Of the Doubt

Instead of:

"I can’t believe Georgia hung up on me! She doesn’t care about anybody but herself!"

Give the benefit of the doubt:

"Georgia hung up on me; maybe I was treating her poorly. Or maybe she’s in a bad mood, and my comment was the last straw."

Instead of:

"Juanita took all the leftover food from the party. What a selfish, good-for-nothing. . . ."

Give the benefit of the doubt:

"Juanita must have thought that I didn’t want the leftover food. I wish she had asked me, but maybe since she has more kids than I do, she’s better off with the leftovers anyway."

Instead of:

"My husband stays at work just so he doesn’t have to help take care of the household chores."

Give the benefit of the doubt:

"My husband is trying to get us out of debt by working extra hard."

The wonderful thing about learning to give people the benefit of the doubt is that you actually start to think differently. Instead of spending your time looking for people’s faults, you look for ways to see the best in people. That sunny outlook on life will make you a much happier person overall, and your level of aggravation will go down.

Our assumptions about people are often false. Imagine that your friend is an hour late to meet you, so you say derogatory things about her. How will you feel later if you find out she was in a car accident? Giving the benefit of the doubt will help you to think better of others and to act better as well. You also avoid bearing a grudge against someone, saving yourself sorrow and anxiety.

So how do you become someone who gives others the benefit of the doubt? Try to think of five reasons why they might have done what they did. Maybe their actions were not on purpose, maybe their words were quoted out of context, or maybe they had a reason that you don’t know about. The next time you think ill of someone, use your imagination. Increasing your sensitivity to others in this way will help you to refrain from negative speech and will help you to be closer to others.

3. Don’t Judge, Solve

Instead of judging . . .

"My daughter Bev is so irresponsible, I don’t know how she’ll ever hold onto a job."

Solve . . .

"Bev, if you finish your homework on time every night this week, I’ll get you that new sweater you’ve been asking for.

Instead of judging . . .

"Arnie the mechanic is a liar; everyone has the same trouble with him."

Solve . . .

"Arnie, can you please put that in writing? I always worry that if a mechanic doesn’t do what he says he will do, then he’ll start to lose business. And I want you to stay in business so I can come here!"

Instead of judging . . .

"Fred the doorman is so rude! He barely looks up when I walk in."

Solve . . .

"Hi, Fred! How are you? Do you have to work the late shift again tonight?"

Instead of judging . . .

"My friend Alice is so rich! Her motto is, ‘If you’ve got it, flaunt it.’ You’d think she’d use a little restraint."

Solve . . .

"Alice, you have a lot of old clothes. I know a family that would love your hand-me-downs. Would you mind picking out some items for me to take over for them?"

It is a rather enjoyable pastime to sit and judge people all day. It certainly makes us feel better about ourselves. But if we need to put others down to make ourselves feel good, it says something about our own lack of self-esteem.

The best way to raise our self-esteem is not by putting others down, but by doing kind things for people. So rather than judge others, we should try to solve the problem we are complaining about. It will help other people as well as raise our own self-esteem.

It’s much easier to judge others than it is to take action to solve the problem we are complaining about. One way to overcome the urge to judge others is to think how we’d feel if someone said the same thing about us. When we find ourselves about to speak badly about someone’s behavior, we should first consider how we could solve the problem. The next step is to make a plan and act on it.

The great thing about this strategy is that it puts our complaining in perspective. It’s pretty hard to gleefully continue judging others when we know that we should either do something to solve the problem or just keep quiet.

4. Avoid Gossipy Situations

"Excuse me, I need to freshen up my drink."
"I just can’t make it to the cafeteria for lunch today."
"I can’t talk on the phone right now."
"I’d love to join you, but I have to get some work done."
"I’m going to be late for an appointment; I’ll see you later."

When it’s you against the crowd, the crowd usually wins. Best solution: Ditch out. If you’re not there, you can’t gossip, and you can’t hear their gossip either!

Sometimes we know in advance that a group of friends is going to engage in one big gossip session. They may not intend to gossip maliciously; it might just be ignorance of the damage that negative speech causes. But we don’t have to subject ourselves to it. If we fear that being absent will cause the group to talk about us, we have to consider if these are the kind of friends we want.

5. Ask, "At Whose Expense?"

"Yeah, right - let’s get Vern to fix the computer; he can’t even find his way out of his car!"

When you’re joking around, ask yourself, "At whose expense?" Then just don’t say it. Find another way to be amusing that doesn’t ridicule someone.

"If hanging around at Devon’s place is your idea of fun, you need to get a life."

Many people are cavalier about other people’s feelings and then they wonder why they are lonely.

"You don’t need a ride to the party; you can just roll there!"

Before you say something mean, ask yourself how you would like it if someone said that to you.

"You should have seen how pathetic Janet was! Her hair was a mess, her suit had a stain on it. What a sight!"

Ask, "At whose expense?" What is gained by your comment? Poor Janet, who was having a bad day as it was, now also has two people who think ill of her. What if Janet were your sister? Or you?

There is no law that says you have to amuse people all the time. In fact, if you’ve set up your life so that everyone expects you to be a stand-up comic everywhere you go, what a stressful life you must have! Get out of such circumstances by finding new friends or by telling everyone you’re going on an insult diet. If you can think of something interesting to say, great. If not, just keep quiet.

Humor might seem to be the oil that keeps social interaction humming. But it certainly has the potential to cause great damage. The problem is that humor is often at someone else’s expense.

Put-downs and wisecracks might be amusing at the time, but these cutting remarks are not forgotten. The victims will often lie awake going over the scene in their minds, trying to figure out what they could have done differently, how they can avoid provoking that kind of comment again, and how they will get over the embarrassment they feel. This is true suffering - being tortured by the thoughtlessness of "trusted" friends.

6. Say "Someone"

Instead of:

"At the cookout, Meredith was so rude to me. She said my tuna dip was too salty and my pasta salad was nothing special."

Say . . .

"Someone at the cookout was so rude to me. They said my tuna dip was too salty and my pasta salad was nothing special."

This tool will help you to get the sympathy that you need without saying anything damaging against Meredith. Maybe Meredith isn’t kind, or maybe she was simply in a bad mood. In either case, spreading gossip about her is damaging.

Instead of:

"Chuck parked his car behind mine and then refused to move it! I was so angry and frustrated, and then Lou came along and said it was my fault for trying to get the best parking space. I could have screamed!"

Say . . .

"Someone parked their car behind mine and then refused to move it! I was so angry and frustrated, and then someone else came along and said it was my fault for trying to get the best parking space. I could have screamed!"

Instead of:

"Terry got caught cheating on the test!"

Say . . .

"Someone in my class got caught cheating on the test."

The beauty of the word "someone" is that you can vent your frustrations without resorting to gossip. The listener can still help you with a problem or make you feel supported without knowing the identity of the perpetrator.

It is often valuable to use real - life examples to teach people, especially children, about human behavior. By using the word "someone," you can explain and create examples without hurting anyone.

When saying "someone," you have to be careful that you conceal the person’s identity. If there’s only one cashier at the corner store, saying, "Someone who works at the corner store is an idiot," will not accomplish anything positive. It will be obvious whom you mean.

You will find this simple technique to be a life-saver. It allows you to vent and to get support and advice without causing any damage.

7. Change the Subject

It is just as bad to listen to gossip as it is to engage in it. By listening, we are conspirators in the crime - indeed, it is as if we are causing the speaker to gossip. Not only that, but the gossiper thinks that speaking negatively of others is fine and will continue gossiping to other people as well. We share the blame for the damage that the gossip causes whether we repeat it or not. Just because it is socially acceptable to gossip does not make it right. It just makes it harder to do the right thing.

To stop people from talking negatively to you, simply change the subject. Changing the subject works even if you are the one in the middle of gossiping. Just interrupt yourself and start talking about something else. Here are some examples of changing the subject:

To stop another from speaking negatively, change the subject. . .

"I just couldn’t believe she showed up in that outfit! She looked ridiculous!"

"Speaking of which, did I tell you about the new jacket I bought? It was on sale and. . ."

or . . .

". . .and then, he came in late and blamed it on me. Can you believe that?"

"I am so sorry that happened to you. Can we talk about something else? This is upsetting to me. How was your trip to the mall?"

To stop yourself from speaking negatively, reconsider. . .

"Did you see how foolish Floyd looked in front of the boss? " Then thinking better of it, - Ah, maybe I’m being too judgmental, I guess it wasn’t that bad. By the way, did you read the funny e-mail Barbara sent out this morning?"

or . . .

"Do you know what Mary did to me? - Then thinking better of it, - Oh, maybe it would be mean to say; it really wasn’t that bad. Let me tell you what Brent gave me for a birthday present. . . ."

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. - Author Unknown

Changing the subject is a very easy solution to avoid saying or listening to derogatory comments. It also appears very natural to the other person, so you won’t hurt his or her feelings. Conversations are a potpourri of ideas, with people cutting in and changing the subject constantly. Even if it does feel a bit awkward or obvious, that feeling only lasts a second. The good you will be doing will last a lifetime. As you develop the habit of changing the subject to avoid hurting people, it will become easier, and you will likely inspire others to do likewise.

If you are having a hard time getting someone to change the subject, a foolproof method is to ask him or her an open-ended question about themselves, such as, "Why did you move all the way across the country to come here?" or " What made you decide to become a nurse?" If the person answers your question and then goes back to gossiping, simply ask another question. This method usually works like a charm. It will not only get you off a negative topic but will make the other person happy because of your interest. That is genuine bonding.

One very valuable way to change the subject is to defend the gossip victim:

"Every time Sharon comes into the cafeteria, she acts like she owns the place."

Defense:

"I don’t think that’s true. I think Sharon feels self-conscious so she acts aloof to make herself feel more confident."

"Cal always shows up late and never gets his work done."

Defense:

"I just think he’s a bit of a pinch hitter. When it comes down to the wire, I’ve never seen someone as productive as he can be."

"I never want to see Scott again; he never showed up last night and never called."

Defense:

"Before you jump to conclusions, first find out why he didn’t call. Maybe he forgot or got caught up in an emergency."

The beauty of this technique is that one of the main satisfactions the gossiper gets from gossiping is that the listener says, "Oh, you are so right." But if you defend the person every time, the gossiper will soon stop gossiping to you.

Defending a gossip victim is a sure way to deter future would-be gossipers from gossiping to you. What an enjoyable workday you’d have without being distracted all day listening to other people talk badly about others.

By avoiding gossip, you might feel that you will be left out of the loop. But if being

If you gossip about others, how do you repair the damage? By asking their forgiveness, which is not very easy to do. Hopefully, if you always remember that you have to ask forgiveness, it will help you to stop gossiping before you start!

in the loop means having to torture innocent victims and lose the trust of everyone around you, being in the loop isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. And when someone needs real advice and a real friend, people will turn to you because they know they can trust you not to gossip. You will be able to help people behind the scenes and form genuine bonds.

Now you have a host of strategies to use to avoid negative speech. This is not an exhaustive list, and it’s great if you can think of more techniques as well. The key is to have many tools up your sleeve so they are there when you need them.

Advance planning of what you will say and do when someone starts speaking negatively about other people will increase your success rate. Over time, the less gossip you say and listen to, the better your relationships will be.

Summary Think twice. Give the benefit of the doubt. Don’t judge - solve. Avoid gossipy situations. Ask, "At whose expense?" Say "someone." Change the subject.

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